Stuck With Me

You’re stuck with me.

  Another set of words that spun their little web.

That left me feeling enlightened, in a world brightened to no end.  They put me in a place where I had what I sought. There’s me, my little butterfly net in hand, returning home at dusk, comforted by the being I had caught.  I wasn't trying to ensnare this gorgeous so and so in a trap.  But I never thought …to let the lovin come back to me…..would end with my heart……. catching another bitch slap.

  I was more careful entering the arena this go round.  I conversed with the occupant several times, let my senses gain awareness, and sought the thoughts of those I trusted with the solidness of ground.  

  So when these words pressed upon the softness of my inside, I let them settle over me safe and sound, for this soul, I’d walk with pride, to have the chance to be bound.  Deeper down this rabbit hole would only bring forth more foretold notions of what was meant to be.  That together, we would touch, taste, smell and see all the worlds’ beauty.

  Not that there would be… no discomfort…. I am no fairytale follower, or day dream chaser. I know the harsh sting of the worlds deep dark pits impalement.  But here I found a partner, one who states, relates and debates all the things that bring elation and ailment. There were so many things I didn’t have to explain. To spell out.  To write in neon signs.  The reverse being true as well.

  Then, little by little, the universe started asking its age old question. Not just through thought, but by outside actions inception.  Is this situation sustainable? Would freeing yourself for something better be too much to mention? Is the future for you both attainable? I have faced this bitter barrage of bargaining before. And know all too well what happens when you sell yourself out to its answers. It becomes like cancer, manifesting in places you never thought could be occupied. It will try to divide you. Once doubt comes into play, you will become like atreyu pulling at artax in the saddest swamps of existence.  Unless you give up all resistance and let the ego go. And say yes, this is what I want!  I’ll give it the attention it requires, and let the energy flow.

  And this is where my pain sets in the most, not that it’s a boastful topic……but I’m easy. Just give me little morsels here and there and we’re square. But when I get the lack there of, love becomes occupied by a sense of strain, resulting in the emaciation of occulents in the self octave part of my brain.  I will over apply lessons that resemble this in past existence. And think that my actions are the persistence of what brought this play to stage. That put the cast members in motion. That wrote the script. Which, with no fault fallen upon the facilitator, leaves me fumbling. Feeling once again….. out of love.

  So the choice is only mine to make…….. to forsake these  villainous voices of vanity. To stand with arms and heart open, brush harsh thoughts aside, and offer this grand gesture of humanity

  

  And let it be known that my love is given….Unlimited…… Unconditional…… Always.

  Which means now……. you’re stuck with me.

Validation?

You need a what, wait, what was that? A validation for existing in this crap?

What type of ill concept is that?

As if the thump, thump inside isn't enough reason to walk with some pride.

All of a sudden you attention shifts to outside. Why?

What do my looks get me in this life that I am in?

I could lift weights, get buff and still have a fucked up grin.

And in the end it's all the same, c'mon you do the math.

I could get money and fame but death still has the last laugh.

And there is no shame in sayin' I'll do my best in this mess.

No matter who I am, color, creed or sex, life takes care of the rest.

Can't you see we are blessed with this life and this Earth?

We get a new chance here with every new birth.

Constantly pushing life forward with force and girth.

But instead of taking life in stride, we stumble along.

And in our minds we try and hide what's right and what's wrong.

And in this equation there's only one question to ask....

What's your validation? Man, I'm sad I have to ask.

I see so many people in my daily disposition,

Who fit the bill on this equations description.

And it's a travesty and so sad to see the situations position.

Shit, when I spit this they'll probably be no one who will listen.

Talking of starting wars and destroying life to preserve our daily rendition.

And bringing all those foolish enough to follow, on a suicide mission.

Because there is no communication between brethren no more.

We push down what hurts us and try to even the score.

And if we just talked about it and got our vexations out,

There'd be no more complication or reasons for self doubt.

Or doubt of that, in another. We could take hands as one and be sisters and brothers.

But instead of taking life in stride, we stumble along.

And in our minds we try and hide what's right and what's wrong.

And in this equation there's only one question to ask...

What's your validation? Shit, I'm truly sad I have to ask.

Thank You

I have to thank you. I have to thank you for listening. For giving yourself to me for three minutes. For sacrificing that little bit of life, so that I may be heard. These words and curbed thoughts are brought forth in a neat package and are ready for distribution. And if all I should get in return is a sense of disapproval, I have to thank you ten fold for that. For I have to thank anyone that ever spit doubt in my face. Whom ever shed a sense of disgrace in my mind. To the good doctor for feeding me line after line about how I will amount to no more than grime jockeying registers of commercial wasteland. For without his disbanded compassion of me as a person, I may never have learned just how wrong he was.

I have to thank anyone that ever ridiculed my attempts to bring my talents to life. For without them I would not be here expressing my truth and talking to you. And you should thank them too, unless of course I am a waste of your three minutes, then let this be the end of our conference call. If my intensity is too much for you to handle at the moment, then do not let me keep you, disperse. For I do not see my failed attempts as a curse but a blessing in disguise. Surprised may be the feeling coming up inside, as I say once more, thank you.

Thanks be to those who ever doubted I could, for you bear the weight of that burden for me. And if you sit before me, perplexed, like who does this gringo think he is? Then I say thank you.

I have to thank everyone that beat my ass in high school. Nah, I'm not ashamed to admit it. Yes I got beat with sticks and bricks, and to those people who broke glass and fists over my head, I give you nothing but gratitude, for without them, invincibility would have been the weakness that found me...dead.

And to the alcoholic English teacher, whose perpetual inebriation loosened her insult spewing tongue, I say thank you. Not because intoxication brought forth the eradication of half of my confidence, but because of the journey I embarked upon gaining it back. If I lacked anything once before, I gained it infinitely along the way, all because someone said it couldn't be.

Who does he think he is? He's from shit town New York where you get three girls pregnant and never leave home. And yet here I am three thousand miles away from no where. Embracing your doubt like a savior among peasants, because that gives me the presence of mind to strap shoes to my feet and walk a path the best I can. And if I never live up to your expectations, then I know there is no limit to the world of my creations.

Love, for the Sake of it

I don't see you as a disposable commodity, she said. These words spun round

like webs in my head. They left me with a puzzled look and a sour jaw. For loves

fleeting passing is what I then saw. Now that's just a whisper, and a prayer left

to the wind, when skin desires are what my minds really dancing in.

Can I let these fixations fade? And keep myself from feeling the jade of rejection

once more? Sore ego bruised for not getting what I crave, but like it's

been said, nothing forsaken, nothing gained. "Let the lovin, let the lovin,

come back to me." My only downfall is that I did not see it was by my side the entire

time. Which has left me centered on action that is of a love less kind.

And this notion is what bothers me the most, for if all I really feel the

need to posses is love, then why do I fix my perspective on an action so empty,

and why do I forsake love for it. How could I ignore this chance to love once more.

This being cries out to me, love me now you bastard. How could I deny such a calling passion.

I have loved many a soul with out even the passing focus of carnal intentions. And yet here this

being cries out to me to be it's guide. To drag it up out the mud one more time. Why let this male,

hetro, egotistical enslavement stop me, and keep me from being, from loving.

And that's it. How do I separate a concept so greatly entwined, both in the world and in the mind.

Questions, with I answers I can't seem to find. Maybe if I stopped looking I would see there blurting

disclosure composed in the details I let slip by. What I persist upon rejects my intent completely, and what I

resist constantly insists, but not discreetly. Which is the irony of the struggle inside, because I am left with

the power to derive my own fate, but that notion manages to escape each time I fixate on sins of the flesh.

Which is the only loveless time I could be left with. So the choice is made to forsake this libido driven

voraciousness, and get myself back in line with love, for the sake of it.

Amazing

Now I don’t mean to be a self back patter or my own horn blower, but I am amazing. That’s right, I said I am amazing.

I’ll let those words hang in the air for just a spare second. And no, it’s not the ego that’s presently pronouncing this statement. This is straight from the deepest realms of my being. That bottom of the heart type thing. But for what seemed like an eternity, I never let it show. I was never able to settle into the comfort grip it offered or let its real meaning slip on me like a silk shirt. There was a time I wouldn’t even have been capable of blurting this out there. Like in some way, I couldn’t really believe it. Like I hadn’t achieved it in anyway. I mean it was always so much easier to believe all the negative, no good, unwarranted crap that I had heard from those that were threatened by my amazingness. I have since learned that when we don’t reflect someone’s misery, they try to bring you down to their level.

I know I heard it first from the one I call Mother. Clearly I know this is a cliché, everyone’s Mother is supposed to say and believe this, so of course it never stuck. The idea just kept falling off, like sticking a magnet on a rock. Then I met my other brother. Not the one that I share with the woman who cared to persist upon my amazingness, but the one I found along my life’s stroll. The one I consciously chose. We were inseparable from day one. Side by side we’d glide through everyday as a unit. He always lifted me up and inspired me to be a better version of me. To start to see that yes, I was in fact amazing. Yet in time, we grew and grew apart. Split from him in moment but never in heart, the idea had not yet become a force. It had not yet fully set.

And so I drifted a bit for years. Out of my own head to the point where the idea that was supposed to be clear and present became weak and thin. Like the stone had not been laid for it to even be set in. I had allowed my self to succumb to the drawings of those with misery. I couldn’t see the writing that was written in big bold fucking letters on the wall, scrawled in bright red and green sharpie for the whole world to see, except me. Self loathing and fear had become the theme in the world I was drowning in. A world where it didn’t even seem like it was worth living anymore. I became jaded to the core and ready to bore a hole in my head as soon as the right situation presented itself. I’d use any tools to do it, a gun, the ground from high up, a night of fun that I could never let end. Or do nothing, and I mean nothing, allowing the existence that I was in to just waste away day by long day, as though I was saying to the universe, See I’M NOT SO AMAZING. Yet there was this voice that I wish was whispering. It wasn’t. It was screaming at the top of its fucking lungs to let it out. Shouting at me to show the part of me I wasn’t allowing the world to see. The part I was holding back. That was starting to become stacked up and swelling, swirling around, abounding with force to try to run its course. And it started to come forth.

This is when I began to spend more time with my family. Again, not the one that raised me from baby state, but the one I had acquired through time and tribulation, struggle and liberation. I started applying lessons I learned and knowledge I earned through the years of feeling less than what I am. They started to turn to me and learn from me. To ask me for my assistance and give there’s without question. Telling me once again just how amazing I am. Only this time, something happened. I started to listen. To believe that I was this ever beautiful force that could shine on for all the world to see and be the best me and move forth with infinite horse power.

And when I met the person who ripped it into being, I knew there was no turning back. His other half had tried to get us together since day one. To make bonds where no bonds were. And when the universe finally turned and put us there, we knew it was forever. He is another brother that had crossed my path. He not only told me I was amazing but made me look and see just how amazing I am. To make me apply even more of what I’ve learned and keep learning. To see that I can have anything I want, and god damn it I deserve it. I’ve earned it. To be an even better me than I knew I could, because now I know I can. This is the definition of a best friend. One who laughs and will be there, but also cares enough to lift you up to your very best.

And he introduced me to her. The woman who put her hand around my heart to make its beat start again. That breathed life into a hole that seemed would be dormant forever. That filled me with so much exuberance and vitality that I swear I glowed. I began to make every moment owned and never want that to end. I want to be better and better. To be the best me I know I can be. To be AMAZING.