Love, for the Sake of it

I don't see you as a disposable commodity, she said. These words spun round

like webs in my head. They left me with a puzzled look and a sour jaw. For loves

fleeting passing is what I then saw. Now that's just a whisper, and a prayer left

to the wind, when skin desires are what my minds really dancing in.

Can I let these fixations fade? And keep myself from feeling the jade of rejection

once more? Sore ego bruised for not getting what I crave, but like it's

been said, nothing forsaken, nothing gained. "Let the lovin, let the lovin,

come back to me." My only downfall is that I did not see it was by my side the entire

time. Which has left me centered on action that is of a love less kind.

And this notion is what bothers me the most, for if all I really feel the

need to posses is love, then why do I fix my perspective on an action so empty,

and why do I forsake love for it. How could I ignore this chance to love once more.

This being cries out to me, love me now you bastard. How could I deny such a calling passion.

I have loved many a soul with out even the passing focus of carnal intentions. And yet here this

being cries out to me to be it's guide. To drag it up out the mud one more time. Why let this male,

hetro, egotistical enslavement stop me, and keep me from being, from loving.

And that's it. How do I separate a concept so greatly entwined, both in the world and in the mind.

Questions, with I answers I can't seem to find. Maybe if I stopped looking I would see there blurting

disclosure composed in the details I let slip by. What I persist upon rejects my intent completely, and what I

resist constantly insists, but not discreetly. Which is the irony of the struggle inside, because I am left with

the power to derive my own fate, but that notion manages to escape each time I fixate on sins of the flesh.

Which is the only loveless time I could be left with. So the choice is made to forsake this libido driven

voraciousness, and get myself back in line with love, for the sake of it.

Amazing

Now I don’t mean to be a self back patter or my own horn blower, but I am amazing. That’s right, I said I am amazing.

I’ll let those words hang in the air for just a spare second. And no, it’s not the ego that’s presently pronouncing this statement. This is straight from the deepest realms of my being. That bottom of the heart type thing. But for what seemed like an eternity, I never let it show. I was never able to settle into the comfort grip it offered or let its real meaning slip on me like a silk shirt. There was a time I wouldn’t even have been capable of blurting this out there. Like in some way, I couldn’t really believe it. Like I hadn’t achieved it in anyway. I mean it was always so much easier to believe all the negative, no good, unwarranted crap that I had heard from those that were threatened by my amazingness. I have since learned that when we don’t reflect someone’s misery, they try to bring you down to their level.

I know I heard it first from the one I call Mother. Clearly I know this is a cliché, everyone’s Mother is supposed to say and believe this, so of course it never stuck. The idea just kept falling off, like sticking a magnet on a rock. Then I met my other brother. Not the one that I share with the woman who cared to persist upon my amazingness, but the one I found along my life’s stroll. The one I consciously chose. We were inseparable from day one. Side by side we’d glide through everyday as a unit. He always lifted me up and inspired me to be a better version of me. To start to see that yes, I was in fact amazing. Yet in time, we grew and grew apart. Split from him in moment but never in heart, the idea had not yet become a force. It had not yet fully set.

And so I drifted a bit for years. Out of my own head to the point where the idea that was supposed to be clear and present became weak and thin. Like the stone had not been laid for it to even be set in. I had allowed my self to succumb to the drawings of those with misery. I couldn’t see the writing that was written in big bold fucking letters on the wall, scrawled in bright red and green sharpie for the whole world to see, except me. Self loathing and fear had become the theme in the world I was drowning in. A world where it didn’t even seem like it was worth living anymore. I became jaded to the core and ready to bore a hole in my head as soon as the right situation presented itself. I’d use any tools to do it, a gun, the ground from high up, a night of fun that I could never let end. Or do nothing, and I mean nothing, allowing the existence that I was in to just waste away day by long day, as though I was saying to the universe, See I’M NOT SO AMAZING. Yet there was this voice that I wish was whispering. It wasn’t. It was screaming at the top of its fucking lungs to let it out. Shouting at me to show the part of me I wasn’t allowing the world to see. The part I was holding back. That was starting to become stacked up and swelling, swirling around, abounding with force to try to run its course. And it started to come forth.

This is when I began to spend more time with my family. Again, not the one that raised me from baby state, but the one I had acquired through time and tribulation, struggle and liberation. I started applying lessons I learned and knowledge I earned through the years of feeling less than what I am. They started to turn to me and learn from me. To ask me for my assistance and give there’s without question. Telling me once again just how amazing I am. Only this time, something happened. I started to listen. To believe that I was this ever beautiful force that could shine on for all the world to see and be the best me and move forth with infinite horse power.

And when I met the person who ripped it into being, I knew there was no turning back. His other half had tried to get us together since day one. To make bonds where no bonds were. And when the universe finally turned and put us there, we knew it was forever. He is another brother that had crossed my path. He not only told me I was amazing but made me look and see just how amazing I am. To make me apply even more of what I’ve learned and keep learning. To see that I can have anything I want, and god damn it I deserve it. I’ve earned it. To be an even better me than I knew I could, because now I know I can. This is the definition of a best friend. One who laughs and will be there, but also cares enough to lift you up to your very best.

And he introduced me to her. The woman who put her hand around my heart to make its beat start again. That breathed life into a hole that seemed would be dormant forever. That filled me with so much exuberance and vitality that I swear I glowed. I began to make every moment owned and never want that to end. I want to be better and better. To be the best me I know I can be. To be AMAZING.