Love, for the Sake of it

I don't see you as a disposable commodity, she said. These words spun round

like webs in my head. They left me with a puzzled look and a sour jaw. For loves

fleeting passing is what I then saw. Now that's just a whisper, and a prayer left

to the wind, when skin desires are what my minds really dancing in.

Can I let these fixations fade? And keep myself from feeling the jade of rejection

once more? Sore ego bruised for not getting what I crave, but like it's

been said, nothing forsaken, nothing gained. "Let the lovin, let the lovin,

come back to me." My only downfall is that I did not see it was by my side the entire

time. Which has left me centered on action that is of a love less kind.

And this notion is what bothers me the most, for if all I really feel the

need to posses is love, then why do I fix my perspective on an action so empty,

and why do I forsake love for it. How could I ignore this chance to love once more.

This being cries out to me, love me now you bastard. How could I deny such a calling passion.

I have loved many a soul with out even the passing focus of carnal intentions. And yet here this

being cries out to me to be it's guide. To drag it up out the mud one more time. Why let this male,

hetro, egotistical enslavement stop me, and keep me from being, from loving.

And that's it. How do I separate a concept so greatly entwined, both in the world and in the mind.

Questions, with I answers I can't seem to find. Maybe if I stopped looking I would see there blurting

disclosure composed in the details I let slip by. What I persist upon rejects my intent completely, and what I

resist constantly insists, but not discreetly. Which is the irony of the struggle inside, because I am left with

the power to derive my own fate, but that notion manages to escape each time I fixate on sins of the flesh.

Which is the only loveless time I could be left with. So the choice is made to forsake this libido driven

voraciousness, and get myself back in line with love, for the sake of it.

Amazing

Now I don’t mean to be a self back patter or my own horn blower, but I am amazing. That’s right, I said I am amazing.

I’ll let those words hang in the air for just a spare second. And no, it’s not the ego that’s presently pronouncing this statement. This is straight from the deepest realms of my being. That bottom of the heart type thing. But for what seemed like an eternity, I never let it show. I was never able to settle into the comfort grip it offered or let its real meaning slip on me like a silk shirt. There was a time I wouldn’t even have been capable of blurting this out there. Like in some way, I couldn’t really believe it. Like I hadn’t achieved it in anyway. I mean it was always so much easier to believe all the negative, no good, unwarranted crap that I had heard from those that were threatened by my amazingness. I have since learned that when we don’t reflect someone’s misery, they try to bring you down to their level.

I know I heard it first from the one I call Mother. Clearly I know this is a cliché, everyone’s Mother is supposed to say and believe this, so of course it never stuck. The idea just kept falling off, like sticking a magnet on a rock. Then I met my other brother. Not the one that I share with the woman who cared to persist upon my amazingness, but the one I found along my life’s stroll. The one I consciously chose. We were inseparable from day one. Side by side we’d glide through everyday as a unit. He always lifted me up and inspired me to be a better version of me. To start to see that yes, I was in fact amazing. Yet in time, we grew and grew apart. Split from him in moment but never in heart, the idea had not yet become a force. It had not yet fully set.

And so I drifted a bit for years. Out of my own head to the point where the idea that was supposed to be clear and present became weak and thin. Like the stone had not been laid for it to even be set in. I had allowed my self to succumb to the drawings of those with misery. I couldn’t see the writing that was written in big bold fucking letters on the wall, scrawled in bright red and green sharpie for the whole world to see, except me. Self loathing and fear had become the theme in the world I was drowning in. A world where it didn’t even seem like it was worth living anymore. I became jaded to the core and ready to bore a hole in my head as soon as the right situation presented itself. I’d use any tools to do it, a gun, the ground from high up, a night of fun that I could never let end. Or do nothing, and I mean nothing, allowing the existence that I was in to just waste away day by long day, as though I was saying to the universe, See I’M NOT SO AMAZING. Yet there was this voice that I wish was whispering. It wasn’t. It was screaming at the top of its fucking lungs to let it out. Shouting at me to show the part of me I wasn’t allowing the world to see. The part I was holding back. That was starting to become stacked up and swelling, swirling around, abounding with force to try to run its course. And it started to come forth.

This is when I began to spend more time with my family. Again, not the one that raised me from baby state, but the one I had acquired through time and tribulation, struggle and liberation. I started applying lessons I learned and knowledge I earned through the years of feeling less than what I am. They started to turn to me and learn from me. To ask me for my assistance and give there’s without question. Telling me once again just how amazing I am. Only this time, something happened. I started to listen. To believe that I was this ever beautiful force that could shine on for all the world to see and be the best me and move forth with infinite horse power.

And when I met the person who ripped it into being, I knew there was no turning back. His other half had tried to get us together since day one. To make bonds where no bonds were. And when the universe finally turned and put us there, we knew it was forever. He is another brother that had crossed my path. He not only told me I was amazing but made me look and see just how amazing I am. To make me apply even more of what I’ve learned and keep learning. To see that I can have anything I want, and god damn it I deserve it. I’ve earned it. To be an even better me than I knew I could, because now I know I can. This is the definition of a best friend. One who laughs and will be there, but also cares enough to lift you up to your very best.

And he introduced me to her. The woman who put her hand around my heart to make its beat start again. That breathed life into a hole that seemed would be dormant forever. That filled me with so much exuberance and vitality that I swear I glowed. I began to make every moment owned and never want that to end. I want to be better and better. To be the best me I know I can be. To be AMAZING.

One

It all started when I was just a little kid. A sense that I was not alone in this world I was roaming in. But I couldn’t see the person I should be strolling with. Her face was one that I had not met. So I stumbled about, trying to force her presence in the moment and that just made her further yet. I did too many things that made me feel more disconnected from her legacy and it made it seem like the whole universe was testing me. I turned over every rock and dusted every nook and cranny just to see if she was there. Of course the more I looked the more I stared at nothings glare. I hadn’t learned the lesson plan and I left my trapper keeper in my locker buried under all the stacks of poems and papers of what everyone else told me it should be.

I started to believe that I’d never have her hold my hand or run her fingers on my neck. That I would always have the feeling that she was there but couldn’t touch her, smell her, taste her, know her. And this was the idea that had the most persistence. Holding this fit inducing notion that I was merely imagining here presence the whole time. But my soul felt like it was missing an intricate part of its existence. That it would always be lacking a vital piece until she could cease to be hidden. It was as if when we split from source we had a rift of sorts and so became divided the soul that was originally the whole. At times I felt lost in a world that was uncomprehending, and focused so much on creating a happy ending.. To put it all in to a perspective that made it clear and transparent, but with out her touch it seemed that would never be apparent. Through the many years of searching, I would catch glimpses of what I thought she would look like. But the people I encountered never filled the void inside.

Through the struggles of trying to find her I learned perseverance. Through time, I grew more patient. It became very clear since realizing it didn’t matter how long it took to find her, I just knew that I would and that moment would be worth the universes eternity of moments before it. No matter how you score it these moments will play out in perfect performance. I had to lose love many times, I had to gain wonderful friendships and feel and see all my mistakes as mere reflections. A cocktail of heartache and happiness, confidence and doubt, strength and weakness was what I was mixing all about.

When our lips first pressed will be endlessly cherished as the moment my other half was finally shown. When her smell trickled into my nose, it was so familiar and comforting like it had always been known, since before time was time. When her taste first flirted across my gums it was like one that I’ve had since I was too young to remember , it was as if I was tasting a part of myself, the best, most sensuous and glorious part. When I held my flesh pressed against hers it was as if my best parts were suddenly together, as though I couldn’t tell where my being ended and hers began. When I stared into her eyes, it was as if I was staring into my own soul. I now yearn to be back in her embrace, to stare at the face that completes me, to feel her soft caress against my skin every waking moment I’m in. I always knew that it would be instantaneous, that is, when I met her we would both know it. I never imagined that I would have to truly work to stop thinking of her every conscious second. I have found love of the greatest kind. I am truly blessed by her presence, in the highest sense of the word. I am grateful. I am one.

Attract

Anything I want I can have it

I just gotta reach out and grab it

Take a chance to make a stab at it

It will be there for me to grasp it

Like golden rays from bright star burning days

I create my world by shining what I say

All I want will be in front of me

No Argument, this fact is true to be

Not losing ground to sadness, loss and grief

But keep up the bliss of this relief

That’s all I want from this moment and I’ll own what comes my way

What I make shape and can’t hate is all in what I say

Bring this with infinite strength from inside, and gliding along I hum a tune of how I’ll ride this tide,

finally took the bullets out the chamber of this gun so I could stop the target practice on my foot just for fun I have known since birth how to bring it real like this, but fell into a positional feeling of needing a big fix, like slit wrists or clenched fists or a quick pack of six, Silliness, mindsets I had to nix.

Now I fix problems with positivity and light and bright will shine what I have to offer inside, make sighted the minds who bring doubt and push clout from useless universes of the blind, and every one of these verses just strengthens my existence and won’t be used against me unless that is my persistence No need to turn away from thoughts inside but change the use of these rhyme lines and let go of unkind times and speak the life I want to be in because that’s what its takes for me to win this race no need for any pace or to even lace up my shoes just keep it smiles laughs and use tools to help me prove it to move it not lose it and continue on my path I can do it stride through it and keep use to make it last

Mom...

It amazes me the way things go sometimes. I don't even really know where to begin explaining this, so I probably just won't. I have been more scared the last five years of my life and I don't even know why. I have nothing to fear. I have dug myself in ditches and stood on great peaks, literally. Fallen further than anyone could have seen or even assumed, but yet still here I am. Learning. Moving. Growing. And I know now more than ever, that's all that matters. And I know now, that I knew nothing then. I thought the struggles I had already survived would be enough for me to hold close and make worth the rest of life. It wasn't. I needed to make myself struggle more. Not in the Bukowski sorta way, just needed to find my own bottom, so I knew which way was the right up for me. I know now, more than any moment in the thirty one years before it, that everything is gonna be just fine. Faith. Love. Understanding. These words now have meaning. The steps I take these days are paid attention to more than any taken before them. I wouldn't have been able to do it with out your reflection. Thanks for choosing me, cause I'm sure glad I chose you.

Life....

Reacting is a short sided reflex drawn upon basic blind instinct, while responding is a calculated and planned course of action that requires us to be an active part of our universe.

Sometimes

Sometimes the moon cries out to me to reach up and grab it

Sometimes, I share it's tears because it's too far away

Sometimes I scream at the sun to come play

Sometimes, the light it sheds makes me want to stab it

Sometimes I run and run and run to forget everything

Sometimes, it all rushes back in to slow me to a crawl

Sometimes I feel like these words are useless drawl

Sometimes, I want to shout out these thoughts till I begin to sing

Sometimes I feel like the most powerful being alive

Sometimes, I feel like my bones are crumbling

Sometimes the pain from the past is causing my stumbling

Sometimes, the happiness inside is causing me to thrive

Sometimes I want to start it all again

Sometimes, I wouldn't even trade in one moment

Sometimes I walk this Earth like I own it

Sometimes, it feels like I don't have a friend

Sometimes I look in the mirror for clarity

Sometimes, it offers only the truth

Sometimes I reach out my hand for charity

Sometimes, I put all my talents to use

But only sometimes.....