The Holidays

Oh, my how these days have changed. This time of year used to be so different for me. 

It used to mean busy sections and crappy tips. 

Angry fathers and nagging wives. 

Spoiled sons and cranky daughters. 

Strong cocktails and cold fish. 

These were days of clueless tourists who didn’t realize or possibly even care that I might have a family I’d like to be with. But in those unchanged days my sense of family was thin at best. 

We were all scattered amongst the frozen tundra and barely shared phone calls or hallmark greetings to celebrate our connections. There were no Christmas trees or planned out feasts, at least none that we could claim as our own. 

No these days meant busy nights to slave away and follow the age old formula – Sleep< Work<Whiskey<Beer-REPEAT– Sleep< Work<Whiskey<Beer-REPEAT. 

We’d organize white elephant with co-workers just to feel some sort of normalcy. Little whisper circles would form while we discussed who was going to swap for Steve’s bottle of scotch or the jealousy that swelled for Nancy and her gift certificate to the fancy restaurant we already gave all of our time to. 

You began to feel trapped in a vortex where everyone celebrated a season that to you only meant more tables, more tourists and more cold, cold weather. There were no holiday concerts or intimate gatherings to look forward to. No stockings would be stuffed and dismantled with glee. There were no boxes stacked and wrapped in shiny silver and gold. No, year after year these days only brought a cold feeling, a warm bed and more whiskey.

My, how these days have changed. 

Now as these moments roll in I find myself giving gifts I actually put thought in to. Searching the virtual halls of A to Z while trying to save on free shipping. There are cookies and cakes being baked and shared. Plate after plate of elaborate meals are being served to me instead of by me. 

Fantastic and familiar faces are gracing my presence with warm thoughts and genuine intentions. I am cherishing my nights instead of trading them with tourists for bad tips and a little more whiskey, though I don’t mind the whiskey still hanging out from time to time. 

But these days have changed their meaning in this age. As family has expanded and moved closer, the chosen members that have been added form strong bonds to take the place of grouchy children, while warm hearts help fill the void of frozen nights. I find myself with more gatherings than I even have the time to attend and more gifts than I ever imagined I could wrap. There are festivities to revel in and trees to decorate. Plans to make and a family to relish them with. These changed days have brought a bit of amazingness with them, and maybe just a tiny bit of whiskey to sip.  

New Skin

The memory of the thought of my new skin still tickles my third eye vision. The peek through of fog and haze that represented the days between me and what I wanted me to be. Like peering into stones of amber that held inside the existence of that place where I fit, but you had to look deep inside to see it. These distant days held a conception of the faces and spaces I yearned to call home. To spend my laboring in ways that would bring smiles to all involved, with people who care enough to share in moments approaching. Knowing that I belong is what was I longed for. Instead of stuck in a muck fueled by fake emotions and forced sensations, blatantly created by self-indulgence. Wallowing in an existence constructed by looking backwards to see what my future should look like. 

What sticks with me is the very tick when I realized my compass had faltered. That my progression didn’t have to result in stepping backwards as well. I’ll admit, my oppression of change would ebb and flow in pace, while my desire for rejuvenation would stutter in fits. Though I never lost the vision to shed dead weight skin and enjoy a lighter existence. 

Countless days aggregated as I stumbled through daily plays that served my ego. Dead skin is hard to shed when you beat back the means of its unattachment. I was grasping to the past, like dirt clenched in my vise like mitts. As though carrying the soil of my former ground could somehow be helpful in my new surroundings. Meanwhile those who exploit and operate solely for personal gain still seemed to fill my main stay vision, as I reciprocated their games and bought into the notion that this comedy suited me. Just below the surface the dream like mission still resonated away, fueling a torch that kept the futures direction lit. As I waxed and waned through phases of brief self-indulgence, a new beginning flickered in the distance. 

Decisions laced with mistakes caused the landscape to become re-framed. When hopes for continued education and livelihood risked elimination, my everyday preferences shifted, as my angles of vision became more acute. I followed the spiral that was drawn to keep focus on movement and illustrate that changes are only a split decision away. I severed ties with those who sought to conspire and scheme while putting self-indulgences aside. Effortlessly the gifts I’d let go unused regained their daily repetitions.

New faces started to grace my every day. They operated with transparency and shed warmth and respect to those in their presence. One character in particular became a partner in this act. Her lack of façade and fakeness defining the quality of her nature. We’d talk and we’d toast and we’d dine on glorious meals. We’d discuss and attract all the wonderful moments we’d plan to feel, as the crave of a past slipped further and further from awareness. 

A new skin had formed, though it was tight and offered moments of discomfort, inches by inches it began to fill in. The festered folds that held the pain and inconvenience of the past had finally been shed. I’ve found myself in a space where I create my own surroundings. I am now and the future. I stand at the very vantage point I’d gazed upon so many days before. Here the past is finally seen solely in the rearview. While the present I occupy is brimming with moments and emotions I've longed for. Now the faces in these spaces see me. Where I share a life with another with great joy and well-being.  Where work is not a chore but an engagement, like a dance floor filled with like-minded beings. Where the future holds the moments I live for, and the past is merely memories that fuel me forward.

Takes My Breath Away.......

She takes my breath away…………..

Now I don’t mean this as some cliché statement, like oh she makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Nah I’m not really that kind of guy. Not to say I’m not emotional, I’m a human being for Christ’s sake. I just don’t always walk around with my heart hanging from my sleeve. But when I am in her presence at times I stand there literally unable to breathe. As though I get to keep these moments with the essence of her being just a minute longer if I don’t take that next breath. Let her vitality creep into mine and intertwine for just another tick…… tick…….. tick.

Her sense of humor enlightens me. Her sense of style brings the greatest little smile to my face. The way she oozes talent inspires me to get up and be more. Her abilities make me look deep inside myself for all that I have to give; to match up to her. She gives me the passion to return to the me that I truly am. The one I was before she crept into my every day. Before I let my bad habits become my main ones. Before one part of my life ended and I started towards another. Of course we both have pasts, though I more so, and I know there are parts in both of ours that feel like a blunder. But I wonder if she saw glimpses of this man. The one who would stand by her side and give support in any way I could. And never fully turn away, no matter what words might come out of this loose mouth at times. I wouldn’t, not from someone who takes my breath away.

I’m not a dummy, the conditions of the situation are far less than desirable I know. The distance in life span and living span, it’s like we are on two different trains headed in opposite directions. But my affections haven’t changed, even with all that time and distance between them. And so I’ll carry it with me everywhere I go, every next step I take, that little shred of hope. Hope that she did see the connection we made as something more than just a quick passing phase, more than just a rapid smoldered flame. And feel blessed to have learned and grown in her perimeter and be always amazed by how she takes my breath away.

Communicate

Its, moments in time express its, moments in time express its, moments in time express this
        moment in time  Connect yourself with the now. And how you want to be known in it. Focus it. Explore it. Don't ignore this chance to be heard. Because thats all any of us want from this life is to be heard....right?
    To have our verbs be seen by those that make us feel alive.
            Whether that be an auditorium packed full of dedicated minds ready to let you take control or the focused ears of one individual soul. We must communicate. Involve ourselves with the present by using our voices. And make choices. I am talking about conscious everyday decisions. Like, who am I gonna touch today by the thoughts I choose to express, and is there gonna be true feelings given back or just passive aggressiveness. I am blessed with a soul
             and in order to make it whole, I have to confess these feelings or make a mess of this reeling consciousness. And that I refuse. I will not lose this chance to explore more, learn more, grow more by not communicating. If I don't put it out there I will never get it back. Karma is a bitch. Because that is how it acts.
      And the more lax I am on expressing myself, the more I shelf the notion that I am truly living. Giving all to my ability to be available. To be alive.
              And yes often I think its the times. And I was born on the wrong point in the line. That I should have been alive back then or I should be born later on, and then.....I remember that I was, and I will be. But here is my chance to be now. To be present. To be involved.
     And this goes for all types of putting yourself out there. Whether it be paint on walls words on a page movements on a stage or stencils on bathroom stalls, I want to be enthralled with this life. I want its pain and frustration beauty and elation, so i can further along this individual perspective that makes up the whole.
   We are all part of one entities confession in the end. From the birds to the bees to the grass and the trees, the sun and stars to homebodies and people at bars, we are living. But without our expression we are earning none of it.
          So talk to me. Let me know how you're doing.....how I'm doing..so we can fulfill this yearning....Lets express its moments in time, express its moments in time, express its moments in time, express......this