One

It all started when I was just a little kid. A sense that I was not alone in this world I was roaming in. But I couldn’t see the person I should be strolling with. Her face was one that I had not met. So I stumbled about, trying to force her presence in the moment and that just made her further yet. I did too many things that made me feel more disconnected from her legacy and it made it seem like the whole universe was testing me. I turned over every rock and dusted every nook and cranny just to see if she was there. Of course the more I looked the more I stared at nothings glare. I hadn’t learned the lesson plan and I left my trapper keeper in my locker buried under all the stacks of poems and papers of what everyone else told me it should be.

I started to believe that I’d never have her hold my hand or run her fingers on my neck. That I would always have the feeling that she was there but couldn’t touch her, smell her, taste her, know her. And this was the idea that had the most persistence. Holding this fit inducing notion that I was merely imagining here presence the whole time. But my soul felt like it was missing an intricate part of its existence. That it would always be lacking a vital piece until she could cease to be hidden. It was as if when we split from source we had a rift of sorts and so became divided the soul that was originally the whole. At times I felt lost in a world that was uncomprehending, and focused so much on creating a happy ending.. To put it all in to a perspective that made it clear and transparent, but with out her touch it seemed that would never be apparent. Through the many years of searching, I would catch glimpses of what I thought she would look like. But the people I encountered never filled the void inside.

Through the struggles of trying to find her I learned perseverance. Through time, I grew more patient. It became very clear since realizing it didn’t matter how long it took to find her, I just knew that I would and that moment would be worth the universes eternity of moments before it. No matter how you score it these moments will play out in perfect performance. I had to lose love many times, I had to gain wonderful friendships and feel and see all my mistakes as mere reflections. A cocktail of heartache and happiness, confidence and doubt, strength and weakness was what I was mixing all about.

When our lips first pressed will be endlessly cherished as the moment my other half was finally shown. When her smell trickled into my nose, it was so familiar and comforting like it had always been known, since before time was time. When her taste first flirted across my gums it was like one that I’ve had since I was too young to remember , it was as if I was tasting a part of myself, the best, most sensuous and glorious part. When I held my flesh pressed against hers it was as if my best parts were suddenly together, as though I couldn’t tell where my being ended and hers began. When I stared into her eyes, it was as if I was staring into my own soul. I now yearn to be back in her embrace, to stare at the face that completes me, to feel her soft caress against my skin every waking moment I’m in. I always knew that it would be instantaneous, that is, when I met her we would both know it. I never imagined that I would have to truly work to stop thinking of her every conscious second. I have found love of the greatest kind. I am truly blessed by her presence, in the highest sense of the word. I am grateful. I am one.

Attract

Anything I want I can have it

I just gotta reach out and grab it

Take a chance to make a stab at it

It will be there for me to grasp it

Like golden rays from bright star burning days

I create my world by shining what I say

All I want will be in front of me

No Argument, this fact is true to be

Not losing ground to sadness, loss and grief

But keep up the bliss of this relief

That’s all I want from this moment and I’ll own what comes my way

What I make shape and can’t hate is all in what I say

Bring this with infinite strength from inside, and gliding along I hum a tune of how I’ll ride this tide,

finally took the bullets out the chamber of this gun so I could stop the target practice on my foot just for fun I have known since birth how to bring it real like this, but fell into a positional feeling of needing a big fix, like slit wrists or clenched fists or a quick pack of six, Silliness, mindsets I had to nix.

Now I fix problems with positivity and light and bright will shine what I have to offer inside, make sighted the minds who bring doubt and push clout from useless universes of the blind, and every one of these verses just strengthens my existence and won’t be used against me unless that is my persistence No need to turn away from thoughts inside but change the use of these rhyme lines and let go of unkind times and speak the life I want to be in because that’s what its takes for me to win this race no need for any pace or to even lace up my shoes just keep it smiles laughs and use tools to help me prove it to move it not lose it and continue on my path I can do it stride through it and keep use to make it last

Mom...

It amazes me the way things go sometimes. I don't even really know where to begin explaining this, so I probably just won't. I have been more scared the last five years of my life and I don't even know why. I have nothing to fear. I have dug myself in ditches and stood on great peaks, literally. Fallen further than anyone could have seen or even assumed, but yet still here I am. Learning. Moving. Growing. And I know now more than ever, that's all that matters. And I know now, that I knew nothing then. I thought the struggles I had already survived would be enough for me to hold close and make worth the rest of life. It wasn't. I needed to make myself struggle more. Not in the Bukowski sorta way, just needed to find my own bottom, so I knew which way was the right up for me. I know now, more than any moment in the thirty one years before it, that everything is gonna be just fine. Faith. Love. Understanding. These words now have meaning. The steps I take these days are paid attention to more than any taken before them. I wouldn't have been able to do it with out your reflection. Thanks for choosing me, cause I'm sure glad I chose you.

Life....

Reacting is a short sided reflex drawn upon basic blind instinct, while responding is a calculated and planned course of action that requires us to be an active part of our universe.

Sometimes

Sometimes the moon cries out to me to reach up and grab it

Sometimes, I share it's tears because it's too far away

Sometimes I scream at the sun to come play

Sometimes, the light it sheds makes me want to stab it

Sometimes I run and run and run to forget everything

Sometimes, it all rushes back in to slow me to a crawl

Sometimes I feel like these words are useless drawl

Sometimes, I want to shout out these thoughts till I begin to sing

Sometimes I feel like the most powerful being alive

Sometimes, I feel like my bones are crumbling

Sometimes the pain from the past is causing my stumbling

Sometimes, the happiness inside is causing me to thrive

Sometimes I want to start it all again

Sometimes, I wouldn't even trade in one moment

Sometimes I walk this Earth like I own it

Sometimes, it feels like I don't have a friend

Sometimes I look in the mirror for clarity

Sometimes, it offers only the truth

Sometimes I reach out my hand for charity

Sometimes, I put all my talents to use

But only sometimes.....

Well...My Word.....

It means honesty, with its glory I become trusted, and if I pursue its follow through, it means never saying sorry, then having its worth busted. It is the unquestioned value in which I hold myself to and invite others to do the same. It’s my thoughts manifested true, my existence expressed, and is the way to purvey the depths of my brain. It defines my present, can relate my past, and will be used to paint my future. It conveys a message of the beliefs I cast, and could even be twisted to suit yours. It is the delegate of my values, the ambassador of my priorities and the chosen candidate for the campaign of my motives. To keep it is a question of what it is I choose. Is it guilt because I built an image I couldn’t live up to? Or am I reliant because I’m compliant to what I state to be true. If I use it for deception, whether others or my own, I bring on the inception of how I will be known. When I don’t invoke its use as a chance to self affirm, I slip and stumble over my opportunities to learn. It means more in my eyes than those vested in the audience. Because it is my name, sake and ideas that would suffer judgment’s consequence. And that‘s doublefied for the self implied; for it’s my own let down if to me I lied. So taking the steps to keep word true has to start with me, before you.

Ho'oponopono

First let me start by saying, I am writing this because it is the easiest way for me to purvey the thoughts in my head. I am so much better a writer then an oral speaker. Second, I am typing this because if I wrote it by hand, I would be concerned that you would only understand half of it. That being stated………

Know that I love you immensely. I never have had the intention to bring you any pain or frustration, however when you are close to someone, that is not necessarily the way things happen. Over the last two and half years, you and I have shared some wonderful experiences as well as some struggles. While that is par for the course, it is not always the best way to have things happen. It is not easy, and I am not asking it to be. Perhaps that is what you want, I don’t know. There is no way to know that if you don’t express it. As I have stated before I am willing to put what ever effort I need to into all of my relationships, not just this one, to make them flow better. I can not, however, feel like that is not reciprocated, or it will result in resentment and frustration. That is not fair to anyone.

I am sorry if I ever made you feel less than wonderful, because you are and it was never my intention. Perhaps I am not as perceptive to your needs as I should be. That is something I am still learning. I am sorry if I ever let you down, or didn’t live up to your true expectations. Again, that is a lesson I am still learning and would ask nothing more than the patience and understanding it requires to accompany one on life’s lessons. That is your choice, however, and would not want you to feel like I am robbing you of it. There have been many times in the past, more so recently, where I have put your well being in front of choices for myself. I am not stating this to incite any type of guilt or less self worth. I know there were also times when I made choices solely for my self. While I was honest with you the majority of the time, I am sorry for the few times I was not. I am sorry if I did not have enough foresight to truly bring you the comfort and happiness you deserve. I am sorry if my choices ever made you feel like you were where you didn’t want to be.

I would ask nothing more than for your forgiveness. Forgiveness for all of the things I have stated to be sorry for, and anything I may have said or done to hurt you in any way. You are one of the most special people I have ever met, and I know you are and always will be a marvelous person. I understand you have reached a point in your life where you are unsure of what direction to move in. That you have doubts about the person I am and the state of our relationship. I also know what it’s like to sabotage your personal situation for an easy way out. To make choices that may not be fortuitous to your personal strength and growth, but to be so unsure and sad, that it makes great sense in the moment. I would ask that you forgive me in not being able to guide you better through those moments, and if I was not readily available when you needed me.

I would like nothing more than to thank you. Thank you for being you, and all the happiness and growth you have brought into my life to this point and hopefully in the times to come. Thank you for showing me the things I need to focus on in myself and any emotions or patterns I have been able to recognize in myself by having you here. I truly could not have done that with out you. Thank you for showing all the support you have and all the strength you carry every day. I have absolutely no ill feelings or thoughts towards you or about you. I do not think less of you or judge you because of the choices you have made, and I would only ask the same in return. I will continue this life with the upmost gratitude for having you in my life. If the most we can continue to be is friends, then I am ok with that, as long as it is nothing less. I will always hold you close to my heart. As I mentioned, no judgment will be attached to you in any way. Thank you for taking the time to share all the moments with me.