Well...My Word.....

It means honesty, with its glory I become trusted, and if I pursue its follow through, it means never saying sorry, then having its worth busted. It is the unquestioned value in which I hold myself to and invite others to do the same. It’s my thoughts manifested true, my existence expressed, and is the way to purvey the depths of my brain. It defines my present, can relate my past, and will be used to paint my future. It conveys a message of the beliefs I cast, and could even be twisted to suit yours. It is the delegate of my values, the ambassador of my priorities and the chosen candidate for the campaign of my motives. To keep it is a question of what it is I choose. Is it guilt because I built an image I couldn’t live up to? Or am I reliant because I’m compliant to what I state to be true. If I use it for deception, whether others or my own, I bring on the inception of how I will be known. When I don’t invoke its use as a chance to self affirm, I slip and stumble over my opportunities to learn. It means more in my eyes than those vested in the audience. Because it is my name, sake and ideas that would suffer judgment’s consequence. And that‘s doublefied for the self implied; for it’s my own let down if to me I lied. So taking the steps to keep word true has to start with me, before you.

Ho'oponopono

First let me start by saying, I am writing this because it is the easiest way for me to purvey the thoughts in my head. I am so much better a writer then an oral speaker. Second, I am typing this because if I wrote it by hand, I would be concerned that you would only understand half of it. That being stated………

Know that I love you immensely. I never have had the intention to bring you any pain or frustration, however when you are close to someone, that is not necessarily the way things happen. Over the last two and half years, you and I have shared some wonderful experiences as well as some struggles. While that is par for the course, it is not always the best way to have things happen. It is not easy, and I am not asking it to be. Perhaps that is what you want, I don’t know. There is no way to know that if you don’t express it. As I have stated before I am willing to put what ever effort I need to into all of my relationships, not just this one, to make them flow better. I can not, however, feel like that is not reciprocated, or it will result in resentment and frustration. That is not fair to anyone.

I am sorry if I ever made you feel less than wonderful, because you are and it was never my intention. Perhaps I am not as perceptive to your needs as I should be. That is something I am still learning. I am sorry if I ever let you down, or didn’t live up to your true expectations. Again, that is a lesson I am still learning and would ask nothing more than the patience and understanding it requires to accompany one on life’s lessons. That is your choice, however, and would not want you to feel like I am robbing you of it. There have been many times in the past, more so recently, where I have put your well being in front of choices for myself. I am not stating this to incite any type of guilt or less self worth. I know there were also times when I made choices solely for my self. While I was honest with you the majority of the time, I am sorry for the few times I was not. I am sorry if I did not have enough foresight to truly bring you the comfort and happiness you deserve. I am sorry if my choices ever made you feel like you were where you didn’t want to be.

I would ask nothing more than for your forgiveness. Forgiveness for all of the things I have stated to be sorry for, and anything I may have said or done to hurt you in any way. You are one of the most special people I have ever met, and I know you are and always will be a marvelous person. I understand you have reached a point in your life where you are unsure of what direction to move in. That you have doubts about the person I am and the state of our relationship. I also know what it’s like to sabotage your personal situation for an easy way out. To make choices that may not be fortuitous to your personal strength and growth, but to be so unsure and sad, that it makes great sense in the moment. I would ask that you forgive me in not being able to guide you better through those moments, and if I was not readily available when you needed me.

I would like nothing more than to thank you. Thank you for being you, and all the happiness and growth you have brought into my life to this point and hopefully in the times to come. Thank you for showing me the things I need to focus on in myself and any emotions or patterns I have been able to recognize in myself by having you here. I truly could not have done that with out you. Thank you for showing all the support you have and all the strength you carry every day. I have absolutely no ill feelings or thoughts towards you or about you. I do not think less of you or judge you because of the choices you have made, and I would only ask the same in return. I will continue this life with the upmost gratitude for having you in my life. If the most we can continue to be is friends, then I am ok with that, as long as it is nothing less. I will always hold you close to my heart. As I mentioned, no judgment will be attached to you in any way. Thank you for taking the time to share all the moments with me.

It's 4 O'Clock...

It’s four o’clock, in half an hour my day will begin again, not to say it will end in any way, just a different progression will be sessioned for money making sections will be done by assesment from one to three, depending on the books. No time to read now, gotta shower and flea now, put on clothes for the walk, can’t be naked on the way. Got my pockets of necessities in city life, smokes, light, wallet, phone, keys, socks, shoes, shirt for under the shirt to mop up sweat in my world of “sir, more wine please”. A world of pressed pants and neck ties, prim and proper plates and dishes of exquisite taste, grilled steaks and buttered wing of skate, just tell me how you want it fixed. Fat liver in port soup? Nah, the hippies say must be eighty-sixed. But some just gotta get that foie fix. When that goodness touches your lips, it’s like melted gold slathered in mouth watering butter. As it slides down your throat, it’ll make your heart flutter. Sauternes is concerned they’re gonna lose their perfect pair. Why do they yearn to put their concern in this culinary fair?

Salads are finished with no grimace but a smile as I clear and reset, top off, clean up, while their day I’ll help them try to forget, over conversations with friends and associates and first dates, as they berate their bosses and movies that they’ve seen. Gotta keep these tables clean, empty glasses gotta go, keep up the pace in ten minutes there’s a show. Don’t stop the flow of wine sir, don’t stop the flow of wine sir.

How’s everything cooked, meet your standard of medium rare? She’s hot I’ll mention with cooks in smoking sessions, but her date hates it if we stare, or even glare in their general direction. So then it’s pre bus tell a joke and offer confection, or cheese or a glass of brandied grapes, you choose the indulgence that suits your taste. But make no haste, just sit back and relax. When your palates exhausted, your bellies full and you’ve reveled to the max, I’ll flash back with a tab. Then its pay up, cash out, tip, sign and decamp.

I am gonna miss you...

I’m gonna miss you in five years. The words sat on my tongue like one of those candy fireballs. You remember those? The little gobs of unbelievably hot cinnamon and the nauseating content of refined sugar we popped back when we where kids. You kinda wanted to just spit it out. Yeah that’s how it felt. But I didn’t spit it out then for fear of not being strong enough to take it. I guess this situations kinda the same. You came to me just hours ago with hugs and a slug like desire to move forward because you were sick of the pain. No, sustain was your mind set no longer.

I read stories of journeys in broken cars and broken dreams. Journal entries pouring forth the disheartening truth you held for so long. Like an injured child that could be healed if only the wounds were exposed. My reading confessions of life’s sudden lessons, I guess let the truth be told. You were a brother from another mother journeying to see me. I remember how that moment felt, when those words spilled out about taking the money and jetting, bus trips, stories from bums’ lips, and a permanent end with little thought of anyone’s contention.

I started to feel a bit of hesitation and tension in my throat and heart when I got to the point of dropping in a like in moon light on a warm summer Oregon night, without anyone around or caring for miles. I let the notion of losing a brother swirl and twirl in my head a bit. I didn’t want to through a fit or even get mad; I just never had happiness fell so damn sad.

So, my responding ended up being a drawn out interaction. I would get no satisfaction in seeing you go. You asked me to guide you to a blissful end, be a friend, but only go so far. What you didn’t know then is I go all the way, regardless of how many reasons your mind had concocted to just run away. How could I let a person with endless talents and ability have want it all ended in tranquility just as soon as he could? What kind of friend would I be to let him do it? Yeah, I’d be there to guide you through it, if it didn’t mean losing you forever to that cold lake, and this fear filled pain releasing endeavor.

A knot tightened in my stomach. You ever lose a family member? Then you get that phone call and fall to your knees with a knife stabbing sensation in your gut. Yeah that just about sums it up. Only you’re sitting right before me, with a story of disease from sexual glory. And I offered a shoulder and couch to try to reverse any morning. Try to talk to you as someone who understood your need to bug out and get drastic, but try to remind you of reasons to last in this moment, for both our piece of mind.

For if this life is so unkind as to blind a beautiful person to death as the only answer left, than I guess I feel the need to regress, because this world looks so grim and useless to me. See, you need to find a way to pass this test. To get your feet back down, head on straight, back on life’s track and off the path of the last breathe. So no one has to miss you in 5 years.

I sat there thinking...

I sat there thinking “Like, why am I sitting here thinking”. The door slammed shut hours before. The floor was still covered in hand crafted glimmering crystal. Ironic isn’t it? She falsely blamed it all on a girl who shared something in common with what she used as a weapon on me. But I try to clear my mind of unkind times and rewind to find some sort of clarity. Composure in the love we shared, when I cared, about her and about us and about dreams. Yet at that point I just didn’t want to think. She had woken me from a few slim hours of wet dream happiness, to a stale winter air, and a cold shoulder careless aggression. No, 7 a.m. sessions don’t make me happy. I am too fucking grumpy to be nice. Yet she still spews to me all the reasons why she has a miserable life. While somewhere in between her bi-polar happiness and screams, she finds a way to put the blame on me.

She told me she needed some things that seemed dismally unimportant in a life where all that matters is love, but like I’ve said, I was too fucking grumpy to speak, let alone deal with drama prolonged for far too great of time. The mind isn’t meant to deal with others insanity. Shit, I have trouble enough with my own. I remember the whole place stunk of last night’s drunken masturbation and my plans of female domination in compromising positions. Do you know that smell of solo sex? That desperate perfume of “Damn, I need the comfort of a warm woman”. And yet here one stands before me to take what she felt was hers. While I feel walked upon, trampled down, an un-important part of the equation she was still trying to figure out. Yet without me, there wasn’t one. The irony just gets thicker.

I remember cleaning the day before. How glorious a clean place is to be in, and what a way to have my day begin. She was doing fine when she arrived. I stopped and thought about all the times when I’d open my eyes and she’d be at the foot of my bed like an odd surprise that nearly soiled my bottoms on more than one occasion. This led to me barricading the sliding door, which for her was no deterrent for sure, just a reason to become more brazen. Yet today she figured she’d warn me before her intrusion.

All and all, some of the things she came to collect where hers to do with what she would. But when she went for my blanket, the only thing I had left to drape over me now that she was gone, I had to change the tune of this early morning song. The color of the room was no somber mood blue any longer. It had shifted to escalated yellow, bubbling over orange and finally rage filled red, as insults spewed from both love lost tongues and filled the drums of my ears with more reasons to toss this situation aside, like the glasses she let glide through the air at my head. A sense of dread filled her brown eyes for sure, but where it cause she let go, or I’m not dead?

I am not one to hit a woman. Not even months earlier when ribs were bruised from tapestries abused and her fists were used to display discomfort. Yet, now her dread quickly turned to fear when I would not adhere to just giving in. Not that I compete to win, or even compete for that matter, but that latter seems to dissipate when irate you become at the soul you once put equal to number one.

I thank her for leaving so quickly. The situation had gotten so sticky, and was about to be unstuck even quicker. She bolted for the door and the phrase from its slam, slammed back “No more”. So I stare at the floor covered in love lost frustrations, and think about all the libations that now have one less home. As my mind begins to roam I think to myself “Like, why am I sitting here thinking”?

Thanks S.E.

I am more than someone to just have a good time with. I am more than just the “hey I got this one “guy””, or the “he always makes me laugh” friend, that is non existent when real emotion comes into play.

I have this beating heart that needs to be replenished with kind words and others emotions, to help uplift my own. I feel I have a whole universe to offer, and it just sits idly by, waiting for the friend or companion to share a moment with. And everyday, like the lonely puppy in the window, my ears get stroked, someone tickles my chin, but I am left behind that glass to peer out at all the passer-bys.

I want to be remembered. I know that means I have to be something worth remembering. I may not be the prettiest, smartest, fastest or strongest. But I am, and feel that I have plenty more to go with it.