I’m gonna miss you in five years. The words sat on my tongue like one of those candy fireballs. You remember those? The little gobs of unbelievably hot cinnamon and the nauseating content of refined sugar we popped back when we where kids. You kinda wanted to just spit it out. Yeah that’s how it felt. But I didn’t spit it out then for fear of not being strong enough to take it. I guess this situations kinda the same. You came to me just hours ago with hugs and a slug like desire to move forward because you were sick of the pain. No, sustain was your mind set no longer.
I read stories of journeys in broken cars and broken dreams. Journal entries pouring forth the disheartening truth you held for so long. Like an injured child that could be healed if only the wounds were exposed. My reading confessions of life’s sudden lessons, I guess let the truth be told. You were a brother from another mother journeying to see me. I remember how that moment felt, when those words spilled out about taking the money and jetting, bus trips, stories from bums’ lips, and a permanent end with little thought of anyone’s contention.
I started to feel a bit of hesitation and tension in my throat and heart when I got to the point of dropping in a like in moon light on a warm summer Oregon night, without anyone around or caring for miles. I let the notion of losing a brother swirl and twirl in my head a bit. I didn’t want to through a fit or even get mad; I just never had happiness fell so damn sad.
So, my responding ended up being a drawn out interaction. I would get no satisfaction in seeing you go. You asked me to guide you to a blissful end, be a friend, but only go so far. What you didn’t know then is I go all the way, regardless of how many reasons your mind had concocted to just run away. How could I let a person with endless talents and ability have want it all ended in tranquility just as soon as he could? What kind of friend would I be to let him do it? Yeah, I’d be there to guide you through it, if it didn’t mean losing you forever to that cold lake, and this fear filled pain releasing endeavor.
A knot tightened in my stomach. You ever lose a family member? Then you get that phone call and fall to your knees with a knife stabbing sensation in your gut. Yeah that just about sums it up. Only you’re sitting right before me, with a story of disease from sexual glory. And I offered a shoulder and couch to try to reverse any morning. Try to talk to you as someone who understood your need to bug out and get drastic, but try to remind you of reasons to last in this moment, for both our piece of mind.
For if this life is so unkind as to blind a beautiful person to death as the only answer left, than I guess I feel the need to regress, because this world looks so grim and useless to me. See, you need to find a way to pass this test. To get your feet back down, head on straight, back on life’s track and off the path of the last breathe. So no one has to miss you in 5 years.
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