Mom...

It amazes me the way things go sometimes. I don't even really know where to begin explaining this, so I probably just won't. I have been more scared the last five years of my life and I don't even know why. I have nothing to fear. I have dug myself in ditches and stood on great peaks, literally. Fallen further than anyone could have seen or even assumed, but yet still here I am. Learning. Moving. Growing. And I know now more than ever, that's all that matters. And I know now, that I knew nothing then. I thought the struggles I had already survived would be enough for me to hold close and make worth the rest of life. It wasn't. I needed to make myself struggle more. Not in the Bukowski sorta way, just needed to find my own bottom, so I knew which way was the right up for me. I know now, more than any moment in the thirty one years before it, that everything is gonna be just fine. Faith. Love. Understanding. These words now have meaning. The steps I take these days are paid attention to more than any taken before them. I wouldn't have been able to do it with out your reflection. Thanks for choosing me, cause I'm sure glad I chose you.

Life....

Reacting is a short sided reflex drawn upon basic blind instinct, while responding is a calculated and planned course of action that requires us to be an active part of our universe.

Sometimes

Sometimes the moon cries out to me to reach up and grab it

Sometimes, I share it's tears because it's too far away

Sometimes I scream at the sun to come play

Sometimes, the light it sheds makes me want to stab it

Sometimes I run and run and run to forget everything

Sometimes, it all rushes back in to slow me to a crawl

Sometimes I feel like these words are useless drawl

Sometimes, I want to shout out these thoughts till I begin to sing

Sometimes I feel like the most powerful being alive

Sometimes, I feel like my bones are crumbling

Sometimes the pain from the past is causing my stumbling

Sometimes, the happiness inside is causing me to thrive

Sometimes I want to start it all again

Sometimes, I wouldn't even trade in one moment

Sometimes I walk this Earth like I own it

Sometimes, it feels like I don't have a friend

Sometimes I look in the mirror for clarity

Sometimes, it offers only the truth

Sometimes I reach out my hand for charity

Sometimes, I put all my talents to use

But only sometimes.....

Well...My Word.....

It means honesty, with its glory I become trusted, and if I pursue its follow through, it means never saying sorry, then having its worth busted. It is the unquestioned value in which I hold myself to and invite others to do the same. It’s my thoughts manifested true, my existence expressed, and is the way to purvey the depths of my brain. It defines my present, can relate my past, and will be used to paint my future. It conveys a message of the beliefs I cast, and could even be twisted to suit yours. It is the delegate of my values, the ambassador of my priorities and the chosen candidate for the campaign of my motives. To keep it is a question of what it is I choose. Is it guilt because I built an image I couldn’t live up to? Or am I reliant because I’m compliant to what I state to be true. If I use it for deception, whether others or my own, I bring on the inception of how I will be known. When I don’t invoke its use as a chance to self affirm, I slip and stumble over my opportunities to learn. It means more in my eyes than those vested in the audience. Because it is my name, sake and ideas that would suffer judgment’s consequence. And that‘s doublefied for the self implied; for it’s my own let down if to me I lied. So taking the steps to keep word true has to start with me, before you.

Ho'oponopono

First let me start by saying, I am writing this because it is the easiest way for me to purvey the thoughts in my head. I am so much better a writer then an oral speaker. Second, I am typing this because if I wrote it by hand, I would be concerned that you would only understand half of it. That being stated………

Know that I love you immensely. I never have had the intention to bring you any pain or frustration, however when you are close to someone, that is not necessarily the way things happen. Over the last two and half years, you and I have shared some wonderful experiences as well as some struggles. While that is par for the course, it is not always the best way to have things happen. It is not easy, and I am not asking it to be. Perhaps that is what you want, I don’t know. There is no way to know that if you don’t express it. As I have stated before I am willing to put what ever effort I need to into all of my relationships, not just this one, to make them flow better. I can not, however, feel like that is not reciprocated, or it will result in resentment and frustration. That is not fair to anyone.

I am sorry if I ever made you feel less than wonderful, because you are and it was never my intention. Perhaps I am not as perceptive to your needs as I should be. That is something I am still learning. I am sorry if I ever let you down, or didn’t live up to your true expectations. Again, that is a lesson I am still learning and would ask nothing more than the patience and understanding it requires to accompany one on life’s lessons. That is your choice, however, and would not want you to feel like I am robbing you of it. There have been many times in the past, more so recently, where I have put your well being in front of choices for myself. I am not stating this to incite any type of guilt or less self worth. I know there were also times when I made choices solely for my self. While I was honest with you the majority of the time, I am sorry for the few times I was not. I am sorry if I did not have enough foresight to truly bring you the comfort and happiness you deserve. I am sorry if my choices ever made you feel like you were where you didn’t want to be.

I would ask nothing more than for your forgiveness. Forgiveness for all of the things I have stated to be sorry for, and anything I may have said or done to hurt you in any way. You are one of the most special people I have ever met, and I know you are and always will be a marvelous person. I understand you have reached a point in your life where you are unsure of what direction to move in. That you have doubts about the person I am and the state of our relationship. I also know what it’s like to sabotage your personal situation for an easy way out. To make choices that may not be fortuitous to your personal strength and growth, but to be so unsure and sad, that it makes great sense in the moment. I would ask that you forgive me in not being able to guide you better through those moments, and if I was not readily available when you needed me.

I would like nothing more than to thank you. Thank you for being you, and all the happiness and growth you have brought into my life to this point and hopefully in the times to come. Thank you for showing me the things I need to focus on in myself and any emotions or patterns I have been able to recognize in myself by having you here. I truly could not have done that with out you. Thank you for showing all the support you have and all the strength you carry every day. I have absolutely no ill feelings or thoughts towards you or about you. I do not think less of you or judge you because of the choices you have made, and I would only ask the same in return. I will continue this life with the upmost gratitude for having you in my life. If the most we can continue to be is friends, then I am ok with that, as long as it is nothing less. I will always hold you close to my heart. As I mentioned, no judgment will be attached to you in any way. Thank you for taking the time to share all the moments with me.

It's 4 O'Clock...

It’s four o’clock, in half an hour my day will begin again, not to say it will end in any way, just a different progression will be sessioned for money making sections will be done by assesment from one to three, depending on the books. No time to read now, gotta shower and flea now, put on clothes for the walk, can’t be naked on the way. Got my pockets of necessities in city life, smokes, light, wallet, phone, keys, socks, shoes, shirt for under the shirt to mop up sweat in my world of “sir, more wine please”. A world of pressed pants and neck ties, prim and proper plates and dishes of exquisite taste, grilled steaks and buttered wing of skate, just tell me how you want it fixed. Fat liver in port soup? Nah, the hippies say must be eighty-sixed. But some just gotta get that foie fix. When that goodness touches your lips, it’s like melted gold slathered in mouth watering butter. As it slides down your throat, it’ll make your heart flutter. Sauternes is concerned they’re gonna lose their perfect pair. Why do they yearn to put their concern in this culinary fair?

Salads are finished with no grimace but a smile as I clear and reset, top off, clean up, while their day I’ll help them try to forget, over conversations with friends and associates and first dates, as they berate their bosses and movies that they’ve seen. Gotta keep these tables clean, empty glasses gotta go, keep up the pace in ten minutes there’s a show. Don’t stop the flow of wine sir, don’t stop the flow of wine sir.

How’s everything cooked, meet your standard of medium rare? She’s hot I’ll mention with cooks in smoking sessions, but her date hates it if we stare, or even glare in their general direction. So then it’s pre bus tell a joke and offer confection, or cheese or a glass of brandied grapes, you choose the indulgence that suits your taste. But make no haste, just sit back and relax. When your palates exhausted, your bellies full and you’ve reveled to the max, I’ll flash back with a tab. Then its pay up, cash out, tip, sign and decamp.

I am gonna miss you...

I’m gonna miss you in five years. The words sat on my tongue like one of those candy fireballs. You remember those? The little gobs of unbelievably hot cinnamon and the nauseating content of refined sugar we popped back when we where kids. You kinda wanted to just spit it out. Yeah that’s how it felt. But I didn’t spit it out then for fear of not being strong enough to take it. I guess this situations kinda the same. You came to me just hours ago with hugs and a slug like desire to move forward because you were sick of the pain. No, sustain was your mind set no longer.

I read stories of journeys in broken cars and broken dreams. Journal entries pouring forth the disheartening truth you held for so long. Like an injured child that could be healed if only the wounds were exposed. My reading confessions of life’s sudden lessons, I guess let the truth be told. You were a brother from another mother journeying to see me. I remember how that moment felt, when those words spilled out about taking the money and jetting, bus trips, stories from bums’ lips, and a permanent end with little thought of anyone’s contention.

I started to feel a bit of hesitation and tension in my throat and heart when I got to the point of dropping in a like in moon light on a warm summer Oregon night, without anyone around or caring for miles. I let the notion of losing a brother swirl and twirl in my head a bit. I didn’t want to through a fit or even get mad; I just never had happiness fell so damn sad.

So, my responding ended up being a drawn out interaction. I would get no satisfaction in seeing you go. You asked me to guide you to a blissful end, be a friend, but only go so far. What you didn’t know then is I go all the way, regardless of how many reasons your mind had concocted to just run away. How could I let a person with endless talents and ability have want it all ended in tranquility just as soon as he could? What kind of friend would I be to let him do it? Yeah, I’d be there to guide you through it, if it didn’t mean losing you forever to that cold lake, and this fear filled pain releasing endeavor.

A knot tightened in my stomach. You ever lose a family member? Then you get that phone call and fall to your knees with a knife stabbing sensation in your gut. Yeah that just about sums it up. Only you’re sitting right before me, with a story of disease from sexual glory. And I offered a shoulder and couch to try to reverse any morning. Try to talk to you as someone who understood your need to bug out and get drastic, but try to remind you of reasons to last in this moment, for both our piece of mind.

For if this life is so unkind as to blind a beautiful person to death as the only answer left, than I guess I feel the need to regress, because this world looks so grim and useless to me. See, you need to find a way to pass this test. To get your feet back down, head on straight, back on life’s track and off the path of the last breathe. So no one has to miss you in 5 years.